Ah, My Nose!
Originally uploaded by lorenzodom
Last night I got stuck between holding my breath for half-an-hour and smelling the appalling odor of a man who was sitting next to me on the bus.
I had to keep pressing my nose against the frigid window in futile refuge, hoping that the cold air seeping out of the AC vents would hold back the horrid smell, but every few minutes a waft would sneak in to whirl me in a tizzy and push me to the verge of sinking into syncope.
I wanted to run away, but his fat ass was wedged between me and the aisle leading to freedom. And as I had taken one of the last seats left, my only recourse was to stew and fantasize a little keen ridicule. I wanted to turn to him and ask point-blank, “Did you wipe your ass today, mister? Jezus Ku-rist!” or at least ring him into a state of self-consciousness with the poignant end of a blunt observation like, “BeJeezuz, you smell awful, almost unlawful man! Don’t you have any dignity?”
He looked like he smelled too. Receding hairline, greasy black and grey curls, small eyeglasses that he peered through to read his comic book with alarming glee. And dull gray polyester pants in sharp contrast to his light, yet loud, faded purple paisley shirt, which, combined, made him look like a cross between Robert R. Crumb and “Weird Al” Yankovic.
For most of the ride I had to resort to taking deep whiffs of my fingers, which happened to have the residual scent of the Ivory soap I had just used prior to embarking upon the bus. “Mmmm,” I thought, “vegetable oils and animal fats have never smelled so good.”